“Deciding” to be gay

I come from a very religious family. How religious you ask? Well my mother and step father are ordained reverends and I was planning on becoming a foreign missionary. I don’t remember a time when church and God was not involved in every aspect of my life; we prayed before meals, went to a Christian school, had Christian friends, shopped at Christian stores, and watched/read basicly whatever was within the parameters our church set. It was the most present thing in our lives, well in their lives. God was my second thought because I had a secret, I was gay and it was my first thought all through high school. God was there too as I tried to pray it away. My thoughts rotated between an ugly cycle of attraction to women, guilt and self loathing for that attraction, praying it away, terror someone would figure it out, and actively planning what I would say if the subject of guys came up.
When I finally “decided” to be gay, to me it just meant letting go of the guilt and trying to accept myself for who God made me. And suddenly my life and mind weren’t so full and I felt relief. It took years to full come to terms with myself and my family, but It does get better!
It makes me crazy when people say it’s a choice to be gay because my choice was not to be, but you can see how well choosing worked for me.
Hug a Homo for me because we need it, anyone who had to go through that as a kid and worse, needs to know they’re loved and accepted!
Jill

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