My life has become a crazy, confusing, chaotic, jumble of a beautiful thing. Everything has changed in the last few months, especially me. In this nameless place, my life-raft remains and sustains writing.
Sometimes all that matters is that you get some words down, even if they’re the wrong words. Write what you want, your secret fantasies, find a way to make them real, make them make sense, build a world around them and live them. Let submerging yourself in them ease the ache of living a life you wouldn’t have built for yourself. Write what you see, what you know, what you want to know. Put every beautiful thing you’ve ever seen into your stories so others see. Explain your pain so that others can feel it, taste it, cry over it. Tell a story and sweep others away with it, take them with you and show you the place you’ve built in your head.
Really you’re doing it for yourself, but readers will thank you. Build a safe space for yourself and others, a blanket fort in the livingroom of beautiful words and thoughts and feeling.
The more we write about magic the more it becomes real, don’t let it fade away. What does your magic look like?
Ask hard questions, of yourself and others. Don’t accept the easy answer! Focus on the answers, let them linger and build something in your mind, an answer or a story. Let them build words, let them build worlds. Do not run from the hard questions because they must exist or they would have never come to you. Be brave and ask, be brave and answer.
Write because it creates. Because it creates you.
After a month of enforced rest (I was beginning to lose my mind towards the end of last semester) I am back in the classroom. I’m not sure how a month off could possibly have been so busy, but a positive of that was I had no time to worry about the coming semester. I’m taking all my remaining prerequisites so I can get into a bigger college next semester, so it seems like this could be a much easier semester.
This morning, i trudged my way thru campus, the first day butterfly’s kicking in my stomach, only to discover my first class is in an old Victorian style building so beautiful inside it makes me ache… I hope I’m not the only person with a love and awe for beautiful old things! I just had to share what I saw!
They say that anything worth having comes with a cost, usually in blood, sweat, and tears. But let’s be honest and add money, time, and heartache to that list.
I want the stories of Seraphim City to come to life, but the obstacles are stacking up. The most recent bump in the road has made me heart sore and I’ve lost my zest and joy for posting about it.
With that in mind, I remembered the smartest thing I ever said; two years ago my gf was upset about the turns life had taken and I said:
“It is not about being “derailed” in your life. Derailed means a train with neat tracks, built years before with clear and easy starting points and destinations. You are a mother, there is no train to drive you through life!
You are riding a Yak, through a tropical rain forest, there are no roads and the Yak disagrees with your life choices. This is your life, embrace the yak! ”
It is still completely true but I still feel defeated. I’m gonna stare at the yak photo for a little while and hopefully it will propel me forward, even if it does disagree with me…
The other day, my irate girlfriend read to me a post by this guy she knew in college. He was kind enough to give us his perspective on this holiday season and he had nothing good to say. He said there was nothing to be thankful for this year. And then 10 people liked his status. How horrifyingly fucked up. Nothing?! I’m sorry but if you are healthy enough to type a Facebook post, have enough money to afford a device to post things with and a warm place to post them from, you are blessed. There have been times in my life I had to decide if I was paying my phone bill or eating or just not turning the heat over 50 in the winter, times when I could not do either. I know of many people who would have seen me then and been jealous that I had a freezing cold apartment, a carton of eggs, a medical issue and a horrible job. Even then I had it good.
Thinking about that careless post and remembering those rough years in my 20s I realized I have a lot to be thankful for… A big lot. I have a warm home, healthy, intelligent step kids, 3 jobs (school, military, home improvement store) that make the bills tough but doable, a good family, made up of both blood and adopted family and a goofy new kitten.
And if that wasn’t enough, I have my girlfriend. I don’t know anyone else in the world who could put up with my moods, smelly shoes, tv and Minecraft addiction, inexperience with kids (did you know you can’t just call them ass-holes, who knew) and overall insanity, all the while balancing the kids, remembering my favorite foods (and hiding them from the kids so I can actually get some) and telling me every day that she believes in me to do well in school and to do something with my writing, even if it involves using some of the hard earned money to make happen.
I am lucky. Life is so far from perfect I got my honorary Grizwald card in the mail last week (and that is a typical day for us) but at the end of the day, I and everyone else can find something to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?
P.s. “I don’t can’t stand you” still
Sir Ken Robinson gave a TED talk a few years ago and a friend of a friend performed this beautiful dance to it. This video is one of my fall backs in life when I need reminded of that kid who spend their every free moment writing. We should all keep creating even with all of life’s obstacles lining up to knock us over!